They say that time flies when you’re having fun, but based on how quickly the past 10 years seem to have flown by, it’s probably more accurate to say that time flies when you have kids! Today is one of those days that I don’t look forward to each year as it’s always a painful day no matter what I try and do to take my mind off it. It’s now 10 years since Dan’s passing and even though they say things get easier with time, I’m still not sure that is the case. The hole that Dan left behind is still there and running the Foundation means that he’s never far from my thoughts. That also means that the pain is never that far from the surface and why days like today are still difficult.

Aside from the Foundation, there are always things that remind me of Dan. It tends to be music that bring memories back, especially certain songs that always stir the emotions. ‘Black’ by Pearl Jam is one of those songs that will always remind me of Dan even though the song is about a failed relationship but it is always the lines “I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star” that always resonates with me. I think it’s partly because I hope that he has found a beautiful life and partly because of our shared love of the band. There are other songs but such a beautiful and emotional song always brings him back.

Having things always reminding you of what might have been can be hard. All too often it’s easy to focus on what might have been, what you have lost and whether or not you could have done things differently. I miss meeting up with Dan and I would loved the triplets to have got to know him. He was one of the nicest people that you could ever meet and would have done anything for anyone. There were so many happy memories that we shared and I am lucky to have had him as a friend. There will always be that nagging feeling that there was something else I could have done or said that would have prevented things ending the way they did. Dan helped me with some difficult times and he was the one who suggested trying to write things down which ended up becoming these blogs.

The happy memories have helped me to keep going when things have been hard. Over the past couple of years, it has been difficult keeping going with the Foundation and I have felt like giving up. I haven’t wanted to let Dan down and wanted to keep the promise that I made which has given me the boost to keep going. It will be the same when I’m doing the challenges this year. When things are tough, you just need to keep focused on why you are doing it and keep going. I’m hoping that starting to challenge myself again this year will provide a catalyst for getting the Foundation going again and for improving how I feel and function as well. I thought the year of challenges was hard 8 years ago and now I’m older, fatter and not as fit so it’s going to take everything I’ve got but it will all be worth it.

Suicide is still the biggest killer of men under 50 and despite that it is still a subject that isn’t talked about enough. Every day 12 men take their life and men account for 75% of all suicides. We still don’t talk about how we feel enough and I’m as guilty of that as anyone else.

Suicidal thoughts and feelings are more common than people would like to admit. Many people will have them at some stage in their life but will not admit it due to the stigma that surrounds it and the fear of being sectioned under the Mental Health Act. On the outside everything can look like life is going well but underneath the veneer, there are several things that could be producing those thoughts. It is more likely to be a combination of factors, which may include:

• A major loss, trauma or set back in your life. This could be losing your job, losing someone close to you or having financial difficulties. These can make you feel like life is not worth living but most of these problems can be tackled and addressed, especially if you seek out some help as you don’t have to deal with them alone
• Someone close to you has attempted or died by suicide
• Drug or alcohol problems. If you are a heavy drinker or drug user, this may influence your view of the world
• Bullying or rejection. They can leave you feeling worthless especially when they are happening continuously over a longer period
• Depression or other mental illness. You can be depressed even if nothing sad, traumatic or stressful has happened in your life. There is much more to it than just feeling sad and when you constantly feel unwell, it can leave you upset and angry.
• A combination of any of these and other factors

It is fairly common to feel like there is no reason to go on. This often happens when people panic at the situation that they find themselves in and the thought passes through that ‘everyone would be better off without them’. If the feeling passes and doesn’t last for long, then that’s ok. When the feeling lasts for an extensive period or becomes obtrusive and overwhelming, this is when it can cause problems. Talking about how you feel can help as if you leave the thoughts unchecked, they can run wild and become dangerous. Talk to a friend, a family member, your GP, the Samaritans or another help service.

Men tend to be more at risk of taking their life for the following reasons:

• They can feel under pressure to appear strong and can feel ashamed at showing any signs of weakness
• They can feel like they should always appear in control
• They can feel like they should be able to provide for their family
• They don’t feel able to talk about their problems and how they feel

Most suicidal people just want the pain to stop and to get out of the unbearable situation that they are in rather than wanting to die. They feel like it’s the only option as life can feel hopeless. Even if you feel like everyone else would be better off without you, this is never the case as suicide has a devastating effect on the people left behind such as friends and family.

Even if suicide seems like the only way to deal with the pain, there is always another option. Finding that option might seem daunting so don’t try and find it on your own. Talk it over with someone and tell them what you are thinking and why. If you’re feeling worthless, without hope, that no one cares about you or that the world would be better off without you, please get some help. There lots of places to find help and some are listed on our Resources page.

You are worth it and we care. Look after yourself and those around you.

Wish me luck for the challenges ahead!