Been Away Too Long

The more eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed a drop in activity over the last couple of months. There hasn’t been as many updates to the social media feeds, to the blog or to the website as there would normally be. Why is that you may be asking? I’m not going to lie as I’ve always tried to use this blog to get across how things really are and the last couple of months have been tough. After finding out my contract at work was ending, it meant that I was heading back out into the job market which meant that I didn’t know what would was going to happen or when I would be able to get something else sorted. Uncertainty is not one of my closest friends, in fact, we don’t really get along as it tends to have a negative effect on me. I think the main reason is that things are out of your control which is something that never sits very well with me and it also seems to make time drag as when you’re waiting for responses from employers days can seem like weeks. The other problems that come with time out of work are having far too much time to spend in my own thoughts, which is never a good thing, and you also have the pressure of needing to find something so that you can feed your family. The urgency to find something must be weighed up against finding the right role as you spend far too much time at work to end up somewhere you hate. Even that is a trip into the unknown as even after several interviews you never really know whether a job is a good fit until you have been there for a while.

Having time is something that doesn’t really work for my mental health as it tends to affect me in a number of ways. The first is spending too much time thinking as particularly at times like this, the thoughts tend to be quite negative and it can be hard to keep fighting them off. The use of all that emotional and mental energy tends to make me tired and feel run down which then wears on my enthusiasm for exercise. I know that exercise always helps and it helps me keep my energy levels up but sometimes it’s just a bridge too far as I can’t find the energy to get out as well as fighting my own thoughts. It’s not as easy as people think just to be able to get out and get it done (although this does work sometimes) as you feel drained, lethargic and a bit numb to everything. It normally builds up over a period of time so it’s better for me if I can catch it early and try and exercise my way through it but that doesn’t always work as it’s a sly, sneaky opponent who takes advantage when he sees an opportunity. It soon can become a downward spiral but fortunately thanks to doing some activities that cheered me up I made it through without it becoming too much of a problem.

One of the other issues I had was with my self-esteem and self-confidence. I’ve always thought that I interviewed pretty well and can get my skills and personality across well but I do find that when you start getting overlooked it can soon knock your confidence. I’m not the most self-confident person that you could meet but I do know my qualities and failings both as a person and at work but equally there is still a voice in my head that tells me I should have achieved more, earnt more, done better, been happier … and the list goes on. As you get the knockbacks or time ticks on, the voice gets louder and louder and despite positive feedback it’s hard not to believe it when you don’t feel like you’re making any headway. I’ve always struggled with situations like this but it seems to be even more of a struggle now there are people that are depending on me and I don’t want to let them down. I’ve always been good at putting pressure on myself which is something that goes back to being at school and always trying to please my parents but sometimes you have to give yourself a break and realise that as long as you are trying your best, some situations are outside your control so no amount of worrying about them will help. I’m not normally someone who says things like this but sometimes you have to remember just how amazing you are. I’m abso-flipping-lutely awesome and I make a difference to those around me and make the world a better place. I need to tell myself that more often as it’s true and so are you. I know people who are all amazing in their own way and most of them don’t realise it. You need to try and realise your worth and remind yourself of it when things are getting tough.

It hasn’t all been a struggle as there have been some things that have help including a trip to Legoland. As I was waiting for responses from some potential employers, I always had the situation at the back of my mind but still enjoy the mixture of Lego and rides (especially where we all ended up soaking wet!). There were also two other occasions that spring to mind– one that was expected and one that wasn’t! Unsurprisingly exercise has helped which started with a session I had with Matt of Firm Belief Fitness. That was good for two reasons, firstly it was good to catch up with Matt as it had been a while since I had seen him, and his positivity is always infectious but also because he gave me some new challenges and pushed me hard through the session. It always feels good when a hard gym session is over but especially when you feel like you have really pushed yourself and catching up with friends is something I need to push myself to do more often. Unfortunately time and life gets in the way sometimes. The more surprising event that helped was a 5 year olds birthday party. One of the triplets’ friends had their birthday party at the village institute a few weeks ago and it turned out to be just what I needed. After the magician had entertained the children, it was time for the games and dancing. I never thought I’d be dancing around doing the hokey-cokey and dancing to the birdie song on a Sunday afternoon without having had a drink (or more likely a lot of drinks!) but letting myself go was just what the doctor ordered. We all had a great time and all the positivity of the afternoon gave me a welcome lift. Thanks to Carmen and Ginna for arranging everything for the party and to Brody for inviting the triplets.

Since then things have been on the up. I’ve managed to find a new role which is much closer to home, so I should be able to spend more quality time with the triplets which is good. I’ve also found a new gym to go to which has given my training a bit of a lift. Thanks to those people who have been supportive during the last couple of months as it has been much appreciated and there is one person in particular who has been concerned about my wellbeing through it all and has helped keep things positive. It’s often in the tough times that you find out who your friends really are. I’m looking at this as a fresh start and am looking forward to the new challenge at work as well as trying to get myself to where I want to be with my health and fitness, charity work and my career. My motivations may have changed over the years but I still want to be the best version of me as then I’ll find contentment. In the words of the Trolls song that we seem to have on constantly in the car “you can knock me over, but I will get back up again!”

Onwards and upwards

3 thoughts on “Been Away Too Long

  1. Glad things are now on an up. I had been wondering. Someone in the family has been in that situation for the last year & it is tough for everyone. The Lego seems to have been a positive for you over the last few months. Amazing how many uses it has. Lol


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